Part 1: Avoiding common mistakes
by Leah Mitchell
Andrew had been pastor of New Hope Church for eight years when the bombshell dropped. It was entirely unexpected. Andrew had been feeling comfortable in ministry lately. He had managed disgruntled parishioners, quarrels about budgeting for repairs to the aging building, and a few serious family issues among his congregants. It wasn’t always easy, but Andrew had always known ministry would be challenging. He felt that the support of the New Hope session kept him going during hard times. He had arrived a young, inexperienced pastor, but the elders had been patient with him, advised him, and supported him—especially John, a kindly middle-aged elder who supervised the kids’ Sunday school program. John was always available when Andrew needed advice, prayer, or a word of encouragement. John was also popular with the congregation, and the kids loved him. He organized camping trips and roller-skating parties for the teens, and he hosted a monthly youth Bible study in his home.
Then one Tuesday morning in November, Andrew received a phone call that changed everything. Two girls in the youth group had accused John of sexual abuse.
The next day, Andrew sat at a hastily arranged meeting with the elders to talk the matter over. Another elder, Ed, began the discussion. “We want you to know, John, that we already realize that these are false allegations. We don’t know why these girls are doing this. But in the current climate of our society, with the Me Too movement, women are encouraged to point the finger at men. Teenage girls like attention, and I’m sure these girls are getting a lot of attention now. How are you holding up?”
John smiled thinly. “I’m doing okay. It has been hard for my wife. This isn’t the first time this has happened, you know. I was accused ten years ago at another church. It was all nonsense then too, of course. We finally left that church just to avoid all the drama. And now here it goes again. I guess the Lord has another trial in store for me.”
“We are here for you, John,” Ed said firmly. “You don’t need to leave this church. We will make sure the congregation knows that we support you.”
The conversation bothered Andrew—especially the revelation that this was not the first time John had been accused of sexual abuse. But Andrew pushed his doubts aside. It was John, after all. And John loved kids. It was probably a misunderstanding—some words taken out of context, a hug misinterpreted. These days, just about anything can be misinterpreted, right?
The Session decided not to meet with the girls or their parents. Instead, they issued a statement to the congregation: “We understand that there are some rumors circulated regarding a member of our session. Please understand that these rumors a completely unsubstantiated. No evidence has been forthcoming, and the entire claim rests on the ‘memories’ of two young girls who have a troubled history. Please keep John and his family in prayer. We thank the congregation for their support in this difficult time.”
Three days later, Andrew received a packet of evidence from the mother of one of the girls. It contained more than fifty emails exchanged between her daughter and John. Andrew read through them with growing alarm. The emails traced the relationship back three years. John had first reached out to the girl when she was only thirteen, talking about Bible verses and Christian life. Those early emails seemed innocent, if a little ill-advised. As the emails continued, however, the content took a strange turn. John had asked the girl whether she was sexually pure. “You are so pretty,” John wrote to the teen. “I bet you make all the boys crazy. Are you ever tempted with sexual sin? Do you ever have thoughts about older men?” A few emails later, John invited the girl for ice cream at his house, telling her they could discuss her sexual feelings privately. “No one is here,” he told her. “It will be just you and me, and we can talk about whatever helps your Christian walk. I feel that you are a very special young lady. As pretty as you are, I’m sure sexual temptation is always going to be a challenge for you. But this discussion will be completely confidential.” Later emails became even more demanding. "You need to cooperate on this," John had told the girl. "I want you to come back to my home tomorrow. As your elder, it is my responsibility!" The emails abruptly ended only a few days before the allegations were reported.
Andrew struggled to wrap his mind around it. The next day, he discovered that the emails had been circulated among several others in the congregation. At a meeting later that day, Ed was livid. “Andrew, you need to address this from the pulpit. These emails should be destroyed, not circulated. They are threatening John’s reputation!” There was talk of starting church discipline against the mother who had come forward with the emails.
After that meeting, Andrew shut his doubts about John our of his mind again. After all, Ed was right. The emails were causing tremendous damage. John’s wife had gone to stay with her sister for a while. The teen program was in turmoil. Some of the youth had left the church. Others were furious at the two girls who had accused the beloved Sunday school director.
“Maybe John was a little unwise,” Andrew reasoned. “But I’m sure he didn’t really do anything terrible to those girls. He has been our youth leader for more than five years, and nobody else has complained. The mother is probably overprotective. This is not the way to deal with an issue like that. Maybe there was some indiscretion, but I’m sure John will be more careful now. Whatever happened, it won’t happen again.”
The families of the two girls disappeared from the congregation and nothing more was said. Andrew breathed a sigh of relief that the youth group—although a little smaller—was still meeting monthly in John's home. Only three families left the church, and soon new visitors arrived. With a little persuasion from the session, John’s wife returned. The church had weathered the storm.
It was a year almost to the day after those first allegations that Andrew was contacted by an investigator. Another girl—the daughter of one of the new members—had come forward with allegations of sexual abuse by John. “Has anyone come forward previously with allegations like this about your Sunday school director?” the investigator asked.
“Yes, about a year ago,” Andrew admitted. “Two girls. They left the church though.”
“Did you report anything? Did you look into it at all?”
That’s when Andrew realized he was in trouble.
Although the names in this story are changed, it is a true account. It is also a very common situation. Pastors usually do not get much preparation in seminary regarding how to handle allegations of sexual abuse against members of the church leadership. Without experience or training, they often make tragic mistakes that permit child abusers to continue destructive behavior and also put the church at risk for lawsuits and public outrage.
In this portion of our three-part series, we will begin by examining the errors made in the handling of these allegations. In later parts, we will look at how allegations of abuse should be handled by church leaders, and then we will conclude with ideas for helping victims of abuse.
FAULTY ASSUMPTION
If anyone had reached out to Andrew prior to these events to ask him how he would handle abuse allegations in his church, he would almost certainly have said, “I would take it very seriously! I would report it to authorities immediately!” Yet when faced with allegations in real time, Andrew immediately assumed the allegations were false, and he failed to take action on it at all. Why is this?
Most people harbor a stereotypical mental image of a child abuser: a sinister, leering man, perhaps—someone who drives a van up to a group of kids and shouts that he has candy in the back. We assume that a sexual predator would stand out. He would be a weird stranger with no family. We would warn our kids to stay away from that creepy old man.
In reality, child sexual abusers appear very normal and even very pious. They are often married with children of their own. They hold normal jobs and drive normal cars. They are often skilled at building relationships with other people. Abusers seek out positions of leadership and social benevolence. This allows them to interact with potential victims more freely. A stranger on the street offering to meet privately with a teenage girl to talk about sexual feelings would raise immediate alarm. But church leaders are expected to interact with all members of the congregation including kids, and they can inquire about deeply personal topics. While good church leaders interact with children carefully and appropriately, abusers cloak themselves in religious titles to divert scrutiny. Andrew’s assumption that John must be innocent because he was an elder and a happily married man was a terrible mistake.
Secondly, Andrew assumed innocence because of his long-standing, friendly relationship with John— “I’ve known him for years!” Human pride inclines people to believe that they too shrewd for long-term deception, that they would not be taken in for very long. However, this is a faulty assumption. People who set out to deceive usually succeed. And in fact, Andrew’s experience with John was quite limited. He knew John from church meetings, Bible studies, and ministry work—all situations in which it was easy for John to appear humble and holy.
Finally, Andrew and the other members of the Session assumed a lack of evidence. This is a popular idea among many church leaders today—the belief that sexual abuse allegations are always vague and unprovable. In fact, the evidence was quite strong. Minimally, John had behaved in a wildly inappropriate manner with an underage girl. Claims that this was simply a “lack of judgement” and that he “wouldn’t do anything” strain credulity when an elder invites teenage girls to his home alone to talk about sex. The fact that there were allegations from multiple girls, and a history of prior allegations, add to the concern. The Session in this case refused to even discuss the matter with the victims, and they spoke only to John. There is no telling what they may have learned if they had actively looked into it.
MINIMIZATION
In addition to reliance on faulty assumptions, churches (and other organizations) face with allegation of sexual abuse against leader may be tempted to instantly minimize sexual misconduct. Minimization is a natural psychological reaction to shocking information that does not conform to our expectations, and people do it every day. When we hear that Grandma (who seemed in excellent health yesterday) is in the hospital, we may say, “Oh, I’m sure it is nothing serious!” When our child’s teacher calls to report a discipline problem, we may say, “I’m sure my little Bobby just didn’t understand the rules!”
When applied to sexual abuse allegations, this natural psychological tendency can prove catastrophic. A famous example can be found in the sexual abuse scandal at involving Jerry Sandusky, assistant football coach at Penn State. Mike McQueary, witnessing a terrible assault of a child in the showers on campus, reported what he saw to coach Joe Paterno. Paterno passed along the allegations to other leaders at Penn State, but he described the event as “fondling”. By the time it was discussed at a later meeting, it was referred to as “horsing around.” At each level, the severity of what McQueary had witnessed was reduced. Penn state officials banned Sandusky from bringing boys into campus facilities, but otherwise, they did nothing. Jerry Sandusky was permitted to have contact with children at a summer camp at Penn State. No one reported the incident to the police. After all, who would call the police about kids horsing around?
Jerry Sandusky was later convicted of 45 counts of child sexual abuse. Other officials at Penn State were also charged with perjury and failure to report child abuse. The Freeh report on the scandal noted that leaders at Penn State “failed to protect against a child sexual predator harming children for over a decade.”
Minimization happens in church settings as well, as we see from Andrew’s story. Even faced with evidence that clearly showed a pattern of inappropriate behavior toward an underage girl, Andrew persisted in believing that John merely lacked good judgment, and that he had not done anything very bad. He reached this conclusion having never spoken to the victims at all.
PRESUMPTION OF SETTLEMENT
In spite of his doubts about John, Andrew mentally resolved the matter of the allegations against John by assuming John would now stop whatever he had been doing that had led to the situation. Andrew certainly minimized what those actions had been, but he understood that something had taken place. Nevertheless, he concluded that John would certainly cease any suspicious activity in the future.
This presumption of settlement is a common reaction to abuse allegations. People reason that someone caught doing a wrong thing will regret those actions and take care in the future to avoid temptation. However, studies show again and again that child sexual abusers are likely to continue the same behaviors.
Furthermore, failure to take action or to report to authorities can be interpreted as a win by a sexual predator. “They knew what I was doing,” one such abuser said smugly. “They obviously didn’t care. So I knew I could just keep doing it. They weren’t going to do anything.”
Many people who have assumed a matter resolved are later horrified to discover a whole new group of victims—often stretching out years after the first allegations.
CONCLUSION
When faced with unexpected allegations against a church leader, we must set aside our pride. We are not gods. We do not know the hearts of those around us, and we are as vulnerable as anyone else to being taken in. We also cannot predict the future, and so we cannot assume that someone will never repeat a past behavior.
Leadership (especially in a church) brings with it a responsibility to the welfare of the congregation. It is important to take all allegation of sexual abuse seriously.
But what should a pastor do? We will take a look at proper procedure for handling abuse complaints next week in Part 2.
______________________________________________________________________________
FAQ
What is child sexual abuse?
Answer: Child sexual abuse is any use of a child for sexual stimulation of an adult. Children are often inclined to obey adults, so violence is seldom involved. Abusers typically use coercion, threats, play, or the promise of a special relationship to persuade a child.
How common is child sexual abuse?
Answer: Sadly, child sexual abuse is very common. Approximately one out of every ten children is sexually abused before their eighteenth birthday. Although sexual abuse of girls is more common, a significant number of boys are also sexually abused.
Do children make false accusations of sexual abuse?
Answer: False allegations by children are extremely rare. Children usually lack the sexual knowledge required to invent stories of sexual abuse. While some false allegations exist, these would typically be made by a parent in a high-conflict divorce or some similar situation, not by a child. When allegations are made by a child against a family member or family friend apparently out of the blue for no reason, the possibility that the false accusation is very, very remote.
Is the abuser always male?
Answer: No, abusers are not always male. In fact, statistics show that the abuser is female in more than 1/10 of reported child sexual abuse cases. It is also suspected that female abusers are reported less often than male abusers, so the true percentage may be substantially higher.
Is the abuser usually a stranger?
Answer: Abuse by strangers is relatively rare. 90% of reported child sexual abuse involves a perpetrator who was known to the victim. In fact, the abuser is usually someone who is in regular contact with the child—a family member, a babysitter or church leader, or trusted family friend.
How many victims does an abuser typically have?
Answer: Statistics are difficult to compile, since abusers who are caught usually underreport their number of victims. However, child sexual abusers almost always have multiple victims. Some may abuse dozens of children before they are caught.
How likely is it that the perpetrator will abuse again?
Answer: Child sexual abusers are very likely to repeat behaviors, even after they are caught. Studies have repeatedly shown that more than half of offenders arrested for child sexual abuse go on to reoffend.
