QUIZ: Are you a victim of abuse?

  1. Is there someone in your life that frightens you? Do you go to extremes to try to prevent that person from becoming upset?

  2. Has this person destroyed your property ? Has he or she punched a hole in the wall, smashed dishes or electronics, or harmed a pet? Does this person make threats when he or she doesn’t get their way?

  3. Does this person restrict your access to money, communication and transportation? Do they take your car keys, refuse to do basic repairs on your vehicle, take your phone, or cancel your debit card?

  4. Does this person call you names, criticize you for things you do not control, or falsely accuse you? Does this person blame you for his or her own sins? (For example, “I wouldn’t have hit you if you had dinner ready like I told you!”}

  5. Does this person touch you inappropriately or make sexual comments to you? If you are married or in a relationship, does your spouse/significant-other force you to do sexual things that make you uncomfortable or that hurt you? Are you forced to view pornography against your will or participate in other non-consensual sexual activities?

  6. Does this person use the Bible to rationalize bullying behavior? Does he or she spread untrue rumors at church about you so that other people believe you are crazy?

  7. Do you feel that you are a prisoner in this relationship? Have you ever considered suicide because you feel that you will never be allowed to leave the relationship? Have you ever been threatened for wanting to get away?

What is domestic abuse?

The LORD sets the prisoners free. - Psalm 146:8

The term "abuse" originates from a Latin word that simply means “to misuse” or “to use wrongly.”  This concept of wrongful is helpful in understanding the dynamics of abuse.  Although the word today is somewhat vague (and sometimes misapplied), it suggests that something meant to be of help has been turned to wrong purposes.  Indeed, abuse is found most commonly in relationships that are meant to be a help and a comfort to us - husband/wife, parent/child, pastor/parishioner, etc.  In each case, the relationship originally formed from a desire for something good and God-honoring, but it has been twisted and manipulated by someone whose intent is their own personal gain.  "Domestic abuse" is the term we use to describe abuse that takes place within an intimate partner relationship--most commonly, husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend.  Sometimes we may also use the term "domestic abuse" to describe parent/child abuse, abuse of the elderly, or stalking, since these abusive behaviors typically occur in a home environment.
Domestic abuse may take many forms, including:
  • Physical abuse (hitting, kicking, choking, sleep deprivation, withholding medical care)
  • Emotional abuse (name-calling, belittling, falsely accusing, isolating from friends and family, making threats to destroy property or to harm the victim)
  • Spiritual abuse (misusing Scripture to frighten, accuse, and bully, and misuse of church discipline process to cover up abuse)
  • Sexual abuse (inappropriate/nonconsensual sexual contact, marital rape, exposing minors to pornography)
  • Financial abuse (cutting off funds for basic necessities, obstructing access to financial information, taking out loans or committing fraud in someone else's name, spending money needed for bills and food on infidelity, gambling, or other wrongful pursuits)
  • Stalking (following or monitoring location, installing cameras for surveillance of abuse victim, calling workplace or church to make false reports, harassing through text or repeated phone calls)
These are only some of the ways in which abusers may misuse someone in a relationship.  Every story is slightly different.  But abuse victims are often surprised to realize that they have a lot in common with other abuse survivors.  The root of abuse is always the same—a desire to use another person through bullying, threats, and deception.  The evil tree that grows from that root is therefore surprisingly similar.
Unfortunately, most abusers can appear friendly, fun, and even deeply spiritual to outsiders.  Victims of domestic abuse who try to take their concerns to their church leaders are often met with disbelief and criticism.  Even when church leaders attempt to help, they may go about it in a way that causes more suffering—forcing a victim to confront an abuser, for example, which often ends in the victim being viciously punished by the abuser.
The Presbyterian Advocacy Coalition offers confidential, safety-conscious, and trauma-informed care for victims of domestic abuse.  We also offer resources to train church leaders to recognize abuse and respond in a way that helps, rather than brings further harm.

MYTHS ABOUT ABUSE

  • The Bible speaks constantly of God’s concern for the oppressed and afflicted—those who are subjected to harsh and cruel behavior by others. In modern language, we would refer to this as abuse, but the meaning is the same. The Bible condemns cruelty and deceit repeatedly, and it speaks of God’s concern for the oppressed (Is. 58:6, Ps. 9:9, Ps. 82:3, Ps. 103:6)

  • Confronting an abuser rarely achieves the desired results. In fact, it may further escalate the abuse, as the enraged abuser will punish or further isolate the victim. Safety must be a top priority in dealing with an abusive situation.

  • Most abusers are good at deceiving others. Many use the appearance of a “good Christian family” to cover abuse. This is why it is important to listen to abuse victims and properly respond to abuse situations. Unfortunately, many churches do not respond well to abuse situations. Many abuse victims report being shunned or even ex-communicated by their church when they tried to get help.

  • The root of abuser is a desire to control and manipulate others for personal gain. Anger and threats may be one method an abuser uses to achieve their goal, but it is almost never the only tool. Some abusers never appear very angry, even if they act with great cruelty.

  • Sexual abuse, like other forms of abuse, has a desire for control and manipulation at the heart of it. Sexual abusers are often involved in marriages in which they have regular marital relations. However, this sexual availability will not appease an abuser. They will seek out other forms of sex that will fulfill their desire for control and power. This may result in marital rape and/or predatory behavior toward other vulnerable individuals.

  • Abusers rarely file for divorce. In fact, most abusers are happy in their relationships. They enjoy the control of and unlawful use of another person. In fact, they often go to great lengths to keep that control. It can be very dangerous to even talk about divorce with an abuser, as they have no intention of releasing their victim. If an abuser does file for divorce, it is usually because they have found another victim.

  • As we have described above, there are many forms of abuse. Some abusers hit, kick, and choke their victims. Others may realize that this would be imprudent and likely to attract too much attention. These abusers may stop just short of these behaviors, and instead use intimidation, threats, destruction of property, “accidental” injuries, etc. to achieve their goals. Abuse usually escalates over time, however, and an abusive relationship may break out in violence very suddenly.

  • It is very common for abusers to claim their victims are “crazy.” This is especially common when the victim is a woman, as women are often viewed by society as too emotional. Some abusers go so far as forcing their victim to take heavy medication or provoking their victim until she starts to cry, and then recording her to show other people that she appears unstable. Church leaders should be very cautious about those who respond to abuse allegations by claiming the victim is “crazy.” An abuse victim may indeed appear nervous and unhappy, but this can be a normal response to abuse.

  • Church leaders often shrug off abuse allegations because the alleged abuser has never appeared angry or inappropriate to them. This is a big mistake. Abusers could not get by in society if they abuse everyone equally. Most abusers restrict their worst behavior to particular vulnerable individuals. Abusers are always abusing SOMEONE, but never abusing EVERYONE.

  • Abuse victims are rarely in a position to just leave. The abuser usually controls the money. Many abusers also spend years isolating their victim from friends and family, and they may even prevent their victim from owning a car or a phone. Abuse victims may have bad credit due to loans taken out in their name. Churches often put pressure on victims to work things out and “keep the marriage together.” The victim may simply have no place to go, and may fear that the abuser will take the children. Sometimes the greatest obstacles are psychological. Victims of abuse are usually so accustomed to accepting blame that they may truly believe that their abuse is their own fault. It may take years of counseling for them to be free of the guilt of another person’s actions.

    Barriers such as these are why it is so important to provide support for victims of abuse. Many will be unable to find a way out unless they receive assistance from others who are willing to walk alongside them.