“Nobody goes into a relationship thinking that it will end here.”

I have heard those words many times in my work as a domestic violence advocate. I heard those words spoken by a newlywed with a black eye and broken teeth. I heard those words from a tearful, middle-aged woman shivering on a courthouse bench after getting a protection order against her husband of twenty years.

Abuse is always a shock. Sometimes it comes on suddenly—a man who seemed attentive and caring before the wedding suddenly turns into a raging monster on the honeymoon. More often, it comes on gradually—a slow drip that turns into a trickle, and then into a stream, and finally into a raging river sweeping everything away.

Abuse survivors may take a long time to even realize they are being abused. They grow accustomed to dealing with the abuser’s rage, manipulation, deceit, and infidelity. It becomes “normal.” But finally the switch flips. Perhaps a particularly violent episode, or discovery of child abuse, or even just the accumulation of everything over time sends the relationship into a its final spiral down.

At that point, most abuse victims realize they are trapped—physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. They need help to break free.

If you are being abused and want to escape your abuser, here are some of the challenges you are probably facing right now:

1. You do not have money to leave. This is usually the main hurdle for abuse victims. Abusers usually control the money.

2. You do not have transportation. Abusers often limit transportation for their victims. The victim may not own a car, or their car may be in poor repair. If they have a car, the title may be in the abuser’s name.

3. You are isolated from family and friends. Abusers often prevent their victims from visiting family or from making friends. There may be no one to whom you can reach out for help.

4. The church discourages you from leaving. Some churches do not support abuse victims fleeing abuse. Abuse victims are often told to “just pray about it” or even blamed for provoking their abuser. Sometimes abuse victims are even threatened with ex-communication.

5. You are afraid. Abusers severely escalate in behavior when the victim tries to leave. This may mean an increase in physical violence. It may also involve other retaliation—slander, stalking, threats, and financial abuse.

6. You still love your abuser. Taking action against your abuser means taking action against your own spouse (or parent or pastor). You have probably spent years trying to please this person, trying to accommodate their behavior, and praying for change. The grief and pain of abuse is horrific. Not only is the victim suffering abuse, but the victim must also be the one to end the relationship—a relationship the victim has invested in, suffered for, prayed over, and hoped would turn around.

With all these obstacles facing you, what can you do to begin to protect yourself from abuse?

Safety Planning

Safety plans are crucial to any effort to remove yourself from an abusive situation. Standing up to an abuser is dangerous—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. While the risks cannot be completely eliminated, they can usually be reduced.

Each safety plan will be different, as circumstances differ from one home to another. But here are some ideas you may find helpful to consider:

1. Contact your local domestic violence resource center. Most areas have a domestic violence advocacy organization that offers free and confidential help. If you do not know the one that serves your area, you can find out by reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. These organizations can be tremendous resources for information, support, legal assistance, and even shelter, if needed.

2. Prepare for your escape. If you feel safe to do this, make copies of important paperwork (financial statements, insurance, etc), and gather birth certificates and social security cards for yourself and your children. Store these somewhere safe.

3. Make an emergency plan. Do you have a trusted friend or family member? Is there an opening at the domestic violence shelter? What transportation can you use? Can you bring your pets or is there another person who can care for them? These are all things to consider in developing your plan. When you leave, make sure you have your paperwork, car keys, medication, and other items that would be difficult to replace quickly.

4. If you have experienced physical abuse, sexual assault, or the threat of violence in your relationship, please consider filing for a protection order against your abuser. The laws on this vary from state to state, so it is best to talk to your local domestic violence resource center to determine whether you would qualify. Protection orders bar the abuser from contacting you, following you, or in any other way harassing you. In some states, a protection order can also remove the abuser from the home and force him or her to find another place to live.

Good preparation can go a long way toward safety and peace of mind, even in a tumultuous time.

Protection

People who know nothing about domestic abuse situations often complain that people in abusive relationships should “just leave.” Anyone who has experienced an abusive relationship knows how foolish this advice sounds to an abuse victim. We have already looked at some of the difficulties survivors face when planning an escape.

The hardest things about leaving, however, is that the abuse does not immediately stop. Abusers almost never let their victim simply leave. Life can be very dangerous during this transition period. You should be prepared for a flood of vicious calls, texts, and emails. You may be slandered to your family, friends, and church. You may even experience stalking, harassment, and threats.

If you are concerned about your physical safety, please talk to your local domestic violence resource center to make further safety plans and/or file for an order of protection, if necessary. Security cameras or an undisclosed address may be important steps toward safety. If you believe your abuser may be stalking you, consider checking your car for recording or tracking devices. You may also need to replace your phone and/or computer, if you suspect tracking software may have been installed.

Emotional and financial security are just as important as physical safety, but these are usually more difficult to achieve. Abusers who lose direct access to a victim physically often send huge quantities of abusive texts, emails, and phone messages. If an abuse survivor has large assets (house, car, savings, etc) with their abuser, or if they share children, it is nearly impossible to completely cut off communication. Fortunately, there are ways to reduce and better control contact with an abuser—by limiting communication to email or a parenting app only, or by enlisting the help of a trusted friend to review communication and pass along only the most relevant information. These options can be explored further with a domestic violence advocate.

Recovery

Leaving an abuser is like enduring a hurricane. It is a long ordeal, full of chaos, danger, and trauma. Even after the storm ends, rebuilding takes time. Most survivors of abuse, however, find that life on the other side gets better.

As a victim of domestic abuse, you have almost certainly been told by your abuser that you are weak, stupid, incompetent, and unlovable. The greatest thing about building a new life is that you can discover that you are none of those things. In my experience as a domestic violence advocate, abuse survivors are some of the strongest people I have ever met. They usually have been holding a household together by themselves for years amid all kinds of chaos. While the adjustment period after leaving the relationship may be extremely challenging, those survival skills learned in the abuse situation serve them well. Outcomes are never guaranteed, of course. But sometimes survivors even find life considerably easier on the other side. “I was so scared of being a single parent,” they often tell me, “and now I realize I was always a single parent, the only one really doing the work of raising the kids and paying the bills. Now I can do it better, since I don’t have someone destroying all my efforts every day.” Those who continue to face significant challenges may still prefer their financial or family obstacles to remaining in an abusive relationship.

Being strong doesn’t mean you have to be alone, however. Building a support network can be a huge help as you rebuild. This may mean relocating (if possible) to be near family or friends. It may mean finding a more supportive church family, if your current church is unable or unwilling to be present for you. And it usually means allowing some relationships to fall away. You probably will not have the emotional energy to maintain relationships with those who persistently question your decision to leave or try to “reconcile” you with your abuser. It is okay to let them go. You need people who have a genuine interest in your well-being and will stand with you in the storm. Counseling and support groups also help abuse survivors process their experiences and rebuild their lives.

New Hope

Although most people who choose to leave a domestic abuse situation do not regret it in the long run, the emotional and financial struggles in the immediate aftermath are incredibly challenging. Abuse survivors rarely actually want the marriage to end. They want the abuser to repent, to change, to get better. Leaving requires accepting that this change will not happen, or that whatever happens, trust can never come back. This is incredibly painful for those who have waited, prayed, and hoped for years to see genuine repentance.

Survivors of abuse often ask me, “How long will it take before I stop thinking about all the loss?” I cannot tell them for sure how long it will be. It is different for everyone. Some people distanced themselves emotionally from their abuser for years prior to the actual separation, and they reach acceptance more easily. For others, abuse may have descended as a sudden storm, perhaps brought on by discovery of infidelity or child abuse. In that case, it may take much longer to find peace.

But for me, as one who walks alongside abuse victims as they process all these losses, the first sign of hope is when I hear someone begin to dream of something besides their abuser. Abuse victims spend years circling all their hopes around someone else. (“If only he would repent…”) Leaving the relationship feels like the death of all hope. Then one day, I hear the abuse survivor have a new dream. Perhaps they’d like to go back to college, or get a job in healthcare, or just visit Yellowstone National Park. Whatever the dream, it is like the first unfurling of a leaf in spring, a sign of hope.

There is life after leaving an abusive relationship.