by L. Mitchell
When Amanda* first spoke to her pastor about her father, she did not even have the words to describe what she was experiencing. She was only twelve years old. She had grown so uncomfortable with her father’s behavior that she had finally disclosed it to her mother. Her mother brought her in to talk to their pastor. But Amanda struggled to explain. “I just want Dad to stop,” she mumbled, embarrassed.
What Amanda did not know as she sat next to her ashen-faced mother was that she was not her father’s first victim. Only two years before, Amanda’s father had confessed to the pastor that he had molested a 14-year-old girl. Amanda’s mother had wanted a divorce, but the pastor assured her that her husband had made a mistake, a one-time lapse in judgment that should be forgiven. Nothing could be more unwelcome to the pastor than hearing that this “repentant” child molester now had another victim.
Most people would assume that a pastor who failed to recognize a serious threat the first time around would at least recognize it the second time. Sadly, that is not what happened. Amanda recalled later that the pastor appeared annoyed. Then he suggested that Amanda was wrong to even tell her mother. “You should forgive your father for small mistakes,” he said. “This is what it means to be a Christian.”
So Amanda learned not to talk about what her father did—at least until she grew up. As an adult, with more context to understand the horrors she experienced, she told her story again. This time, people around her complained that she had waited so long to disclose sexual abuse. “Why didn’t you bring this up years ago?” they asked. “Surely if you had reported it, somebody would have done something to stop it!”
There is a common misperception that adults who claim to have been sexually abused as children are telling a story never told before. People assume that, if a child speaks up, something will be done. But in fact, many child victims who disclose abuse are ignored. If the family is involved in a church, the pastor’s office may be the first stop when a child discloses abuse, and yet churches notoriously underreport. Why does this happen?
Here are four of the most common reasons behind the failure of church leaders to recognize and act on abuse reports.
Church leaders assume they would recognize a child molester immediately. Like the old caricature of the devil with horns and hooves, a child abuser is presumed to be instantly recognizable by his creepy appearance and abhorrent behavior. Many churches find it difficult to fathom that evil could be lurking in a convincingly Christian disguise. They may doubt the child's story because the purported abuser "doesn't seem the type."
Church leaders are over-confident. No one likes to believe they could be taken in by lies and flattery. Pastors and elders often pride themselves on their own wisdom and discernment. To admit that a sexual predator is deeply involved in the church Sunday school program would require enough humility to imagine that they were misled. Even if they believe the child, church leaders may over-estimate their ability to change an abuser's behavior. Many victims of child sexual abuse report that church leaders merely prescribed a few counseling hours and then assumed the matter was resolved. In almost all cases, the abuser simply learned to better conceal his behavior.
Denial is an easy path. Supporting an abuse victim is a deeply unpleasant task. If church leaders admit that a victim exists, then they must consider whether to contact the police, how to support a separation, how to inform the congregation, how to assist the victim in healing from trauma, and whether other victims of the same abuser might be as yet undiscovered. Refusing to take a victim seriously relieves the church leaders of their sense of responsibility. No one has to do anything if the church adopts a policy of denial.
Sexual abusers tend to be expert manipulators. They downplay the extent of abuse, confessing only to mild, one-time “mistakes” and claiming (even tearfully) to be repentant. To church leaders, who are often eager to avoid scandal and difficulty, the siren song of a “repentant abuser” is hard to resist. Even if the church leaders believe the victim, they may still deny the seriousness of the event and profess belief in the abuser’s repentance.
Sexual predators are often described by those around them as “charming.” They appear kind and sincere. They volunteer to teach kids’ programs at the church and build friendships with parents. They quote the Bible and the Westminster standards.
Church leaders are not omniscient, and they can be duped just like anyone else. They will be faced with temptation to refuse to admit a judgment error. In dealing with sexual predators in the church, this is a devastating mistake.
When a victim is ignored or belittled, he or she learns not to talk about abuse. And sexual predators rarely stop their behavior. A victim may be subjected to years of further abuse after the initial disclosure. Furthermore, child sexual abusers almost always have multiple victims. If one victim comes forward, there are almost certainly others.
The question “Why didn’t she say something sooner?” presumes that a victim will be heard and action taken to protect him or her. If we want child sex crimes to be addressed and victims protected, then we must create an atmosphere in which it is safe to disclose abuse. No one can be heard unless people listen.
*Name changed to protect privacy.
